If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
