Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
