Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I checked into jail on foursquare
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
