she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
