My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
