She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
