I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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