I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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