i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
