My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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