if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize