omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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