I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
