Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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