im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
