before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
