i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
