I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
