3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
