I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
