i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
