mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
