Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
