i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
