I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Im part way to drunk.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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