We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
