I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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