So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
