I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
