I met the friendliest cop last night
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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