Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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