Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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