She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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