i permit you to call me
She said her name was "party"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize