Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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