I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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