so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
