i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
