it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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