i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
