So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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