I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize