i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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