not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
