highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
