I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
