when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
