if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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