hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
