he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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