tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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