Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
