Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
