paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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