Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
