Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
