Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
3 2 1 whiskey
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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