It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
