He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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