my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
