Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
